Last night, Nine’s Married At First Sight returned to screens and drama-hungry viewers were not disappointed.
For episode one, the drama came in the form of 32-year-old Harrison Boon, a builder from New South Wales.
In yet more evidence that we live in an unjust universe, Harrison is regretfully good-looking despite having more red flags than a Matador (for uncultured people: a Matador is the little dressed up man who fights bulls).
His ‘wife’, Bronte Schofield is a romantic who dreams of a happy long marriage like her parents but has trust issues due to letting men walk over her.
After discovering her parents actually met on MAFs (this may be fiction), she puts her frayed trust in the hands of the MAFs producers. Brave? Yes? Foolish? Maybe.
Bronte is initially thrilled at her “handsome” husband, but the dream is soon shattered by a dark force – in this case, a friend in a Fuschia dress.
Affectionately labeled the ‘lady in pink’ on social media platforms, the gossip-loving-friend can barely contain her excitement as she leads the happy bride away from the proceedings to a white-lit corridor that looks like something you might see before you die.
The drama unfolds:
Bronte gushes about Harrison.
The lady in pink stays silent like an assassin.
Just as the excited Bronte stops to breathe, the pink lady takes her shot.
She tells Bronte that Harrison is not single, he is seeing a “young girl” on the outside and has promised to be with her after MAFs.
“She’s blonde,” the pink lady tells the brunette-Bronte, just to stick the knife in a bit further.
Worst of all, he even sent her a picture of his package the day before going on MAFs – and by package, I of course refer to his luggage.
A deeply traumatized Bronte goes to find Harrison, who attempts to act innocent. This is brave, given he hasn’t been innocent since about 2003.
When that fails, he tells the truth, it goes something like “don’t worry babe, I’ wasn’t just seeing one girl before I came in. I was seeing half of Sydney”.
With impressive dexterity, Harrison manages to whip out yet another red flag and turns it around on Bronte, “why are you interrogating me?” he says with an alarming sense of self-justice.
But Bronte seems appeased, for now. So long as he was seeing lots of girls it’s fine, but if she finds out it’s just one waiting on the outside, they’ll be trouble.
Meanwhile, for those who don’t want to be put off mating for life, hope was offered in the form of Lyndall Grace and Cameron Woods.
Lyndall has Cystic Fibrosis, a chronic condition that leads to the deterioration of the lungs. After reading an article that said the life expectancy of someone with the condition was 32, Lyndall thought she’d never have love.
That all changed when a miracle drug was invented that upped the life expectancy by 40 years.
After Lyndall shared her story, all MAFs viewers collectively prayed that Lyndall would be matched with a good person, i.e someone not like Harrison.
And their prayers were answered.
Hope takes the form of Cameron – a carpenter with a radiant smile from the Northern territories.
Unconditioned by the dating etiquette of metro cities, Cameron has a pure heart. He’s thrilled at how beautiful Lyndall is and listens gently as she talks about her condition. Sources inform B&T that some viewers mysteriously came down with hay fever at this point.
With the perfect mixture of hope and drama, episode one of MAFs did not disappoint.
