In this latest instalment of the Keep Talking series, former IPG Mediabrands CEO, partner at 24HR Business Plan and Hatched senior adviser, Mark Coad, reflects on recent changes in his life and why asking for help is never a burden.
I do feel blessed, in that I’ve never considered myself to have mental health challenges. But I’ve got some very close friends, both inside and outside our industry, who have experienced struggles with their mental health. So, I have seen firsthand the impacts – namely anxiety and varying forms of depression.
I’ve always been quite ‘sure footed’ and never through my childhood, my adulthood through career years and now as a 50-something have I felt that I’d lose my footing. That could be related to the fact that I have never been exposed to trauma, severe loss, or dramatic events in my life. Or maybe I’m just lucky.
However, over the last two years, I have been through some considerable changes in my life. My living arrangements, my relationships and my career have all changed dramatically (some unexpectedly) in that time. I’ve also seen my two adult kids head off into the world, which is wonderful, but I’ve seen less of them in the last year than I have at any time in their whole lives.
And I’m good with all of that. Not great with all of it, but good.
I draw a lot of positivity knowing my kids are having a ball, and they are out there living their dreams, and I love that.
I’ve also had some wonderful people and incredible friends around me through this big period of change. I’ve had a lot of support. I’ve not lost my footing and never thought I would. But more than ever before, I can see how people could.
So why is that? What’s the difference between coping or letting it all get to you. I think there are a few reasons.
Firstly, change requires a level of resilience. You need a fairly high pain threshold at times. I am no expert and I don’t know how to instil resilience. But if you feel you have low resilience, I’d encourage you to find ways to work on that. That’s easy for me to say, I know. But if you need it, find ways to get it. For me, it comes in part from staying positive, seeing things for what they are and knowing (when the going does get tough) that tomorrow is a different day.
Secondly, know when not to give a fuck. You can’t do that all of the time, certainly not with your relationships. But in work and career you do need to remind yourself at times that we are rarely in life-or-death situations.
See things for what they are and direct your energy (or your anxiety) toward the things you can control. Anything outside of that, you are just barking at the moon. Nothing you do will change what you are barking at, so try to retain the ability to recognise what really matters. I’m sure most people know the book of the same name, by Mark Manson, (The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck’) in which Manson argues that true happiness comes from identifying what really matters and selectively ignoring everything else. Wise words.
Thirdly, surround yourself with the right people. A mentor of mine once said (when it comes to people) there are ‘radiators’ and there are ‘drains’. When you need to feel better about yourself, you need support, seek out the radiators in your life and spend time with them. I’m lucky to have some great friends in the industry and outside. We all have chances to catch up with people – and often work gets in the way. When you feel like you need to be, or should be around those people, make it a priority. Move things, cancel things, and make the time.
And finally, I think this one matters the most, if you do feel your footing shift, if you do feel things start to unravel, even a little: ask for help.
I know that sounds simple, but sometimes it isn’t.
Pride gets in the way or the fear that you’ll be a burden or just the habit of being the person who holds it together, the one other people lean on. Asking for help can feel like a kind of failure, even when you know, rationally, that it isn’t.
Over the last two years, for all my sure footedness, there were moments where I leaned on the people around me. Not dramatically but I did and I’m glad I did, because the weight of things is lighter when someone else knows you’re carrying it.
So, if the ground shifts beneath you reach out. To a friend, a family member, a colleague. Find your radiators and give the drains a wide berth. You’ll be amazed at how many people care about you and will gladly stand beside you until you find your footing again. I’m happy to be one of them.
