In this op-ed, Life by Design Coaching founder and industry stalwart Nicolette Briscoe opens up about major life transitions, such as motherhood and perimenopause, how she coped and why the industry should be talk more about these often private life changes.
We talk a lot about disruption in our industry. We launch new brands and indie agencies, pivot strategies, and celebrate the agile professional who can rewrite their identity overnight to match the shifting market.
But we rarely talk about what disruption feels like when it happens internally. We don’t talk about the quiet, heavy tectonic shifts of personal evolution and the profound sense of grief that can accompany them.
Over the years, I have witnessed friends and colleagues courageously pull back the curtain on mental health issues. What I realised is that we often mistake the discomfort of personal growth for a solo endurance test.
We treat the loss of who we were as something to be hidden, rather than a necessary, sacred part of becoming who we are meant to be.
I first felt this profound shift during the transition into motherhood.
The Silent Math of Motherhood
When you become a mother or father, the world congratulates you on what you have gained.
And it is possibly the most monumental, divine gain of your lifetime. But few people acknowledge what you have lost.
In the early years of motherhood, I distinctly remember feeling a quiet mourning for my old self. The party-going, spontaneous, highly independent professional self was suddenly gone, replaced by a version of me that felt entirely rewired, messy, and hyper-responsible – the new architecture required to raise a human. It wasn’t postpartum depression; it was a tectonic identity evolution.
At the time, I thought that was the big, once-in-a-lifetime rewiring without a rulebook. I thought, Okay, I have built the new version of me. This is who I am now.
Let’s go.
I was wrong.
The Second Shift: Perimenopause
Not that many years later, the ground is shifting beneath my feet once again. This time, it’s the arrival of perimenopause.
If motherhood is noisy, well, this beast is on another level. This time it’s my brain that’s creating all the noise, not the babies. It’s wreaking havoc on my ways of doing and coping simply by turning the hormones on and off as it sees fit. Goodbye mood regulation, hello emotional rollercoaster.
Once again, I find myself standing in the space between who I was and who I am becoming.
Once again, there is a distinct grief for the passing of a season, a physical and emotional identity that served me well for years.
In a fast-paced professional world that demands constant, high-energy output, admitting that you are undergoing a massive biochemical and identity evolution feels incredibly vulnerable.
Even writing this feels vulnerable.
There is a temptation to lament the change. To look backward and fight to preserve a version of yourself that your body and soul are ready to let go of.
This season is a monumental unmasking. Thoughts and feelings that I could once hide away linger and demand to be dealt with.
But fighting the tide is exhausting. Finding a ‘fix’ is exhausting. The real courage lies in stepping directly into the shift, allowing yourself to grieve the parts that are leaving, and actively building space for the new super-powers waiting to be born.
Throw Out the Advice, Build the Squad
When the ground shifts, our instinct is often to look for instructions. Or hide. We seek out books, articles, or well-meaning mentors to advise us on how to change correctly. To answer the question of; is this normal?
But here is the truth I’ve uncovered: no one can actually advise you on how to evolve.
There is no blueprint for how your specific identity needs to reshape itself. What works for one person will fail in yours, because your history, your grief, and your future are entirely your own.
In my experience, we don’t need advice. We need a cheer squad.
We need people who aren’t trying to fix us, but who are willing to stand on the sidelines of our transformation and cheer us on. We need colleagues, friends, and partners who allow us the grace to be messy, tired, forgetful or quiet while we figure out our new footing.
Stepping Into the New Season
If you are currently standing in that liminal space, whether you are rewriting your identity through parenthood, navigating the choppy waters of perimenopause or menopause, or dealing with any major life upheaval, know this: it is entirely okay to mourn the person you used to be.
Let’s stop treating these major life transitions as private struggles to be managed behind closed doors before we emerge “fixed.” Let’s bring them into the light with courage and vulnerability.
Do not lament the change. Step into it. Find the people who love you not just for who you have been, but for whoever you are becoming. And if they no longer serve you, then find a new community to cheer you on.
Build your cheer squad, lean into the weight of the transition, and perhaps even be grateful for the beauty in becoming.
Nicolette Briscoe is the founder of Life by Design Coaching, a consultancy that helps female founders and leaders navigate major life transitions without losing sight of themselves or their narrative.
