Chris Taylor: The Fox News Emails

Chris Taylor: The Fox News Emails
B&T Magazine
Edited by B&T Magazine



The explosive emergence of private Fox News emails and text messages, filed as part of the media empire’s court battle with Dominion Voting Systems, has shone a startling light on what Rupert Murdoch and his star presenters really thought about Donald Trump and his “stolen election” claims.

Now, B&T’s Imposter-in-Chief Chris Taylor unearths a new tranche of emails that paints an even clearer picture of the mogul and his minions.

Disclaimer: The below is a satirical work of fiction.

Jan 7. Email from Rupert Murdoch to all Fox News staff.

 

Bloody hell. I’ve just seen the Capitol insurrection footage – good luck trying to spin that shitshow! Can we maybe say it was just a school excursion group excited to be in Washington? Also, that guy wearing the Viking hat with horns and carrying a spear… can we track him down and see if he wants to present weather for us on weekends?

 

Jan 7. Email from Tucker Carlson to Rupert Murdoch.

 

Sir, shitshow doesn’t even close. I’ve got Donald texting every 2 minutes, not only demanding that I call the election for him, but that I also announce him as the winner of the two Obama elections as well! The asshole also wants The White House painted gold and renamed The Trump House, which is the most stupid fucking idea I’ve ever heard. Naturally, I’ll go on air tonight to push for it.

 

Jan 11. Email from Rupert Murdoch to Tucker Carlson.

 

Tucker… I’ve just been reading the Guardian (the only newspaper where I can find actual facts these days), and they’re saying Trump is now blaming the election result on faulty voting machine software. Completely bonkers, obviously, but I assume you’re happy to pump this narrative for us tonight? By the way, if you’re not doing anything after your show, I’ve got a spare ticket to a fundraiser gala for Latino lesbian poets. Any interest?

Jan 11. Email from Tucker Carlson to Rupert Murdoch.

 

Sir, would normally love to go, but have already agreed to volunteer at a soup kitchen tonight with AOC. But I reckon Latino lesbians sound right up Hannity’s alley. Have cc’ed him in email.

 

Jan 11. Email from Sean Hannity to Rupert Murdoch.

 

Sir, would absolutely LOVE to go!!! Especially as I’m still feeling a bit bad about that hatchet editorial you made me do last week, where I called all Latino women “lazy sombrero ladies”. So COUNT ME IN!!

 

Jan 14. Email from Rupert Murdoch to Sean Hannity.

 

Sean, my boy… head still hurting big time from the other night. Not from all the tequila, but from those incredibly powerful and thought-provoking beat poems we were treated to. Such a privilege to be there. Anyways, just checking you’re still good for an editorial tonight denouncing all arts funding for migrants?

 

Jan 10. Email from Sean Hannity to Rupert Murdoch.

 

Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, sir. Have been caught up all morning reading Greta Thunberg’s new book… boy, does that girl talk sense! Would love her to join the network, but not sure how she’d go doing the whole “climate hoax” dance. Such a shame. But yes, all good for the migrant takedown tonight – amazing that you think you still need to ask!

 

Mar 10. Email from Lachlan Murdoch to Rupert Murdoch.

 

Daddy, the Crikey website in Australia is saying mean things about us. Can I sue?

 

Mar 11. Email from Rupert Murdoch to Lachlan Murdoch.

 

Don’t be ridiculous Lachlan. You must be the only person on the planet who actually reads Crikey. Why would you amplify the article by suing, you fucking moron? Love, R.

 

April 4. Email from Rupert Murdoch to Donald Trump.

 

Donald, can you please stop leaving deranged messages on my cell? When I agreed to endorse you back in 2016, we struck a very clear deal: Fox News would pretend to respect your Presidency, and you in turn would leave me in peace to run the country. What part of that agreement can you not get through your stupid fat orange head??!

 

Rupert.

 

PS. Are you available to come on Fox & Friends tomorrow to talk about Hunter Biden?




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