Don’t know your horses from your mop handles? Haven’t a clue who to bet on in this afternoon’s Melbourne Cup. Or, alternatively do you not give a stuff either way?

Well, here in the B&T offices, save for doing any work today, we’ve crunched today’s runners through our super computer and believe we’ve come up with today’s winner. Although, even we have to concede we’ve not actually picked a winner since 1986.

But here goes anyway (and we look forward to your abuse when we get it absolutely wrong).

Winner: TRIP TO PARIS

Best outsiders: RED CADEAUX and WHO SHOT THEBARMAN

Absolutely not a hope in hell: BIG ORANGE, SERTORIUS, PRINCE OF PENZANCE, GRAND MARSHALL, QUEST FOR MORE, GUST OF WIND